Month: July 2023

At the end of  May, I received news that I was no longer able to use this communal space as an incall location. It was a beautiful, easy location that was really too good to be true. And it was. I don’t feel comfortable enough talking about what happened yet. But when I feel ready, I will share about it. The loss of the space, however, basically meant I was back at square one like when I first moved to Brooklyn. When I came here, COVID was still affecting hotels so their prices were discounted to retain business. The handy Dayuse app as many workers know was great until prices skyrocketed again. The other thing about Dayuse is that if you stayed past 6pm in a room, you would automatically have to pay the night which is usually at least double the day price. This price surge happened when I had my own space and I always thanked God for giving me an opportunity to pay a small rental fee in my own nice space and the rest was taken care of. 

The loss of the space meant going back to hotels which was not ideal as the hotel knows all your info. And in the end, I would hardly profit from sessions. I was in a jam. Luckily, I thought back to the winter when one of my friends’ pleaded with me to come work with her at a “bodyrub” studio. I really laughed it off at the time partially because I didn’t really know what that was but I pictured a dingy old time brothel where girls stand in robes outside their tiny rooms waiting for a suited man to choose one of them. 

It sounded nearly miserable. But a few nights after losing my place, I reached out to this same friend desperate to land even an interview. I was able to and the following week I was properly introduced to bodyrub.

Bodyrub is sex work but I thought otherwise until I came into the work. Before I thought: “oh, it’s the easy way out. F/S* is real sex work, body rub is a little more than having an OnlyFans.” I know, super ignorant. My judgement also brings up whorearchy which I will have a post on later down the line. But basically whorearchy describes the way in which workers prioritize their value based on their participation of criminalized sex work. It creates tension between doms and escorts. Online and in person. Strippers and body rub workers. These are just a few examples. Whorearchy exists and will probably always exist because society will always engrain its people to feel shame about their bodies, sex and the labor they engage in. I will say that hopefully in some communities it has gotten better over the years. I know my perceptions have changed a lot in a short amount of time. Anyway, more on this later. Back to the story- I got an interview and started bodyrub that same week.

As employees we are required to wear lingerie and full faces of makeup at all times during work hours or you run the risk of being called “homeless” by our house mom. Shifts are six to eight hours long. Up to two girls are always working. My commute is an hour. The money I make is not all mine to keep. Basically, I have begrudgingly entered the workforce once again. My life as an independent worker is over for the moment and I am still mourning that. I resent some aspects of the job. At first I felt the cut from my boss was synonymous with theft. It was my labor and body after all, and she was taking a cut. Maybe I’m just brainwashed now but I do feel differently. 

While our boss advertises us a little, we still have to screen clients who hit us up directly via our work phones. And of course we have to set up ads outside of hers’ if  we are going to make money. I spent three shifts in a row (7 and 8 hrs each) with not one client. And we are not paid to be there, we are paid by the client. I was furious but also felt defective. It really tugged on my insecurities. I know its unhealthy- but if I am being honest I do derive some worth from clients and making money. I don’t see how you could grow up in a society that summarizes you down to your job/career/money acquisition, and not feel insecure when these things are being threatened. Plus if I were to charge my full hourly fee, I would have no problem making at least 2k each day I worked. I bitched and moaned about this specific thing but finally it comes down to this. Sure, everything is relative and I could be charging more for bodyrubs- but the bottom line is that I do not (90%) of the time do not have sex with these clients. My boss told me during my interview, “girl, I make so much money and I don’t even take my panties off.” I winced at her remark but funnily enough when I tell other workers what I do- I hear that same phrase coming out of my mouth. 

I do need a break from f/s. In the months leading up to losing my spaces,  I started to tell romantic partners that I wasn’t interested in having sex with them for the time being. I had gotten tired and even angry from having sex when I did not want to. I mean- no one ever forced me but myself. I was tired of forcing myself and my personal life was being affected. Even a few months off being f/s full time, I can tell there’s still stuff I need to process emotionally. Now if I do f/s, it’s only because the client is cute enough and I upcharge the fuck out of them. Of course they don’t know that. They don’t know I was a f/s independent escort before they met me. They probably think I am just a girl trying to pay her rent because the SAG/WGA strikes have left me out of work (which is true).

Learning the clientele of bodyrub has been one of the most fascinating things about the job. First, I wanna say this post is all from my own experience. I also work in a privileged space because the woman who runs is a worker herself. It’s not some dude involved in organized crime who has little empathy for the workers. We are also not workers who have been trafficked into this. It is my choice to be here. Being white, cis and having English as my first language privileges me immensely. So my experience working at the place is almost certainly very different from someone who works for a non-sex worker and/or is trying to immigrate to the US with little resources. Lots of people are at risk of being trafficked due to their immigration status and it is a sad reality. As far as I know, my coworkers and I choose to be here.

With all that said, the men that come through are interesting. It is my impression that most of these men would not be caught dead with a hooker. Rather, they fall into the category of clients who think paying for sex makes a guy a loser. But! A handjob at the end of a massage is just normal and even a coming of age event- they may think. Happy endings are so much more normalized. Especially in NYC where there is a prominent spa culture. But it’s just funny to me because most of us are literally hookers. I will say that some girls will tell you they do not do “extras” or “upgrades” whatsoever and those workers very much exist. There are even some places where the girls are naked while they work but nothing about the actual massage is sensual. There are lots of underground places around the city that have historically run some type of bodyrub facility. See what you can find. Could be a fun exercise. 

For me,  the release at the end is no sweat off my back. What’s more, I’ve actually learned quite a bit about teasing and edging. What’s the difference between my nuru/erotic/tantric/edging massage, you ask? Literally nothing but the price! If a guy comes in for an hour at the house rate, I give him a good massage and rub my body on him and do a release. If he comes in and says he wants nuru, I rub oil on my tits and charge him 40-100 depending on how nice he’s been to me and do the same damn thing. Is that a scam? I mean in American capitalism, you can sell basic dish sponges for a dollar or charge 5 dollars for one that’s shaped like a smiley face. Pricing is arbitrary and it always is. In all fields of work and product. What will people pay is the question. And when they do pay an arbitrary asking price- there you go, there’s your rate.

In bodyrub, I have found it better in terms of connecting with clients too. Since I am not stressing about how I will have to have  sex with them, I make it more of a priority to make them feel good for this one hour they have away from work/personal relationships/struggles. I am someone who has always been a proponent of massage and the idea that tensions and bodies need to be touched for good health. Or, we may walk around miserable because of our lack of intimate touch. I’ve met some good guys, I’ve met some that have made me sick to my stomach. But all in all, I feel like I am recovering- from what I’m not sure. And if we are being totally transparent- I am making more consistent money than I ever have. Fingers crossed it stays that way. 

*ull ervice

I am making a documentary. I have never shot or filmed anything before. Making a film has been a dream of mine but I thought it was silly and could wait for another lifetime. But the opportunity to make a documentary has risen. 

I am a sex worker who has been in recovery for almost 5 years. I meet each week online with a group of people who also share this unique intersection of identities. One of the women who I have become friends with in this group has 20 plus years of sobriety and has been doing sex work on and off her entire life. Though I had previous thoughts of wanting to create content for and by sex workers, I didn’t know what it would look like. I rarely articulated this dream to others but when my friend admitted that she too wanted to make a documentary- I told her to count me in.

A few nights later I was walking back to my apartment in the cold and empty streets, my friend called me. She called me and told me her vision of creating a documentary centered around sex workers in recovery. 

“I think it’s only right if we make a documentary about sex workers in recovery. It is two areas that we have lived experiences in and it would feel exploitative to make content about things we haven’t experienced,” she said. I couldn’t agree more. 

She then went on to explain how she envisioned the structure of the film. My heart jumped, it sounded perfect. And ever since then I have been working daily to make this vision come alive. 

Though I worked as a production assistant for over a year and my collaborator went to film school, we have never created films ourselves. In my mind, I reserved that privilege for the pros. But when you think about all documentaries, don’t they usually just start with a person asking a question and seeking answers?  That’s what we are doing.

We are not working through a production company at the moment because I feel this content is so sensitive and can so easily be exploited in the wrong hands. We are not even sure if we are making a feature. We are crowdfunding the money as well as putting in our own. I am doing some sessions now just for the sake of funding our film. It’s all been very challenging to navigate something so overwhelming and gate kept but this film has given me a purpose again. Most importantly, I believe in this film. Part of the film’s mission is to represent the varied experiences of people who do sex work. My collaborator and I feel that the intersection of recovery and sex work have never been represented in film though both things are very intertwined. All in all, his film is going to fuck up vapid and straight up destructive narratives that people have about sex workers.

I got into sex work in sobriety. And I know many others have done the same. This is surprising to most people when they hear this because most people view sex work in terms of movies/tv shows they have watched. We know the narrative. Representation of sex work is usually characterized by addiction, rape, and coercion; pretty much, nothing short of torment and misery. We see this in popular films like Requiem for a Dream where a girl must sell her body for drugs because she is caught up in her addiction. She is miserable, forced into violent situations and is forever shattered by this betrayal of innocence and her body. This is not to say this does not happen, it does. But it is a great injustice to have that same narrative told and retold by people who are not even sex workers! Because of the beauty and the distinct experiences and of the people who have volunteered to be in this documentary, the film seamlessly portrays the nuances of what sex work can look like and who does it. 

Bullet points for those in a time crunch!

What our documentary plans to do:

• Humanize sex workers

• Represent sex workers who are in recovery from drugs/alc

• Validate that sex work can be enjoyable and be a means of freedom

• Center trans-voices 

• Show a variety of sex workers- from online work escorting to mainstream porn

• Establish that content about swers are best told by swers themselves

There are many other bullet points that I am probably forgetting. By no means does this film strive to be perfect. This is because it is one film. Hopefully, this project will encourage other sex workers to document their own lives if they feel safe and are compelled enough to do it. Sex worker history is sadly lost everyday since most of it is not written down. The history of this profession is made mostly in the shadows. I don’t want to lose another story, another history because what we do makes people uncomfortable. 

I am lucky enough to be surrounded by friends who have a variety of experiences and backgrounds. I get advice everywhere I go. I am learning about cameras, lenses and shooting in low light and recording audio. It feels like I’ve gone back to school. But we are going to make this documentary. I finally feel a sense of purpose again. Follow me on the journey. And donate when that Kickstarter link drops!!

( i have my cashapp in the graphic bc if i haven’t mentioned i’m not getting paid to do any of this so if you feel compelled to fund me personally, cash app is great.)